So I ended up at a church event with my family last night
And I talked to the pastor (a woman). She’d been in an abusive relationship. She was a rape survivor. She asked if she could pray with me.
I consented. Which is surprising. I usually hate people praying over me especially in the Christian sense. Because I dislike the church.
But I’m a mildly spiritual person who believes that everyone’s praying to the same shit anyway. And it’s probably not even God it’s like the universe or something. Anyway it’s just too big to understand but I like to think there’s something bigger than me that I’ll be a part of when I die.
But I digress.
She was praying and asking me what I saw in my head and what I felt, and she said, at the end, “God does not wish for you to lead a passionless life.”
And I burst into tears.
Because I am so empty. And numb. And I have been for so long. And I’ve only allowed myself to feel anger and I’ve blocked out so many other feelings because they are scary and not safe.
And maybe God isn’t real or whatever the fuck but I don’t believe that it’s in my destiny to spend my life passionless. I’m tired of faking emotions.
how you doing matey? having a shitty day or are you ok. x
I’m having a pretty good day.
Some weird shit happened recently (that I posted about) but I’m alright. I’m trying this new thing where I allow myself to feel emotions I don’t like, because it’s probably healthy even if it isn’t fun necessarily. Haha.
there is a man at my side who’s convinced i’m alive and i try to explain the poor guy that it’s way too late he seems to like me but i can’t relate i would like to get closer but christ all the time it takes and i can’t seem to keep this all straight i’ve forgotten which habits to show and which habits to fake and i’m waiting for someone to shake me and say hey bitch nice tits you’re broke but then you’re rich in love you’re great in bed you’ll see the world you’ll knock ‘em dead and all the thick books that you’ve read will count for nothing in the end