All these posts about Asian countries that still eat dog meat:
RACIST AND HYPO-FUCKING-CRITICAL.
If one meat is wrong all meat is wrong. Protest the murder of chickens and cows in predominantly white first world countries before you run all over Asia telling those people how to live. Which is basically to make them be more like white first world dwellers.
Earlier, like every other teen, I was a broken soul, with emotions that were too much for me to handle. As I got closer to today, that girl with the feelings slowly disappeared. I wonder what happened. It does scare me at times knowing how easy it is for me to just let someone go. Something doesn’t feel right. Some faith in me has lost its way, and I hope I get to find my humanity again.
The full spectrum of human emotion is coming back to me.
I’m actually interested in things, f’real. And my interest in things doesn’t come from this going-through-the-motions thing I’ve had going for…years now. Or guilt. Or fear. The feeling that if I don’t GET interested in A, B, and C, then everyone will know how much I don’t care about anything.
Yesterday, I drove a car and interviewed for a job I want. And I really want this job (first time I’ve wanted anything like that in a long time, with genuine feeling)
And I was nervous and excited and I felt it in my gut. Like good nervous. Like the nervous you get the first time you ever hook up with someone. Nervous like being young and not so jaded and I haven’t gotten excited about jack shit, not truly excited anyway, in fucking years. I haven’t wanted anything very badly at all.
It’s weird to admit it because I’ve gotten so good at faking it. Being emotionally involved in anything. So far the only thing on my recent track record of truly honest emotional expression is rage. I’m really good at being angry and that’s probably the only thing I don’t need to fake.
But yesterday after I nailed my job interview I left buoyant. Proud of myself, down to my guts. I can’t emphasize how rare that feeling is for me. If I’ve even felt it at all since 2008.
Imagine all the nerve endings in your body being dulled. And if someone cut you with a knife you could only really feel the pressure of it. Not the sharpness and the pain and the separation of your flesh. And everything was like that. Everything was weak feeling or you didn’t feel it at all and you wanted to, desperately, but every day that went by you started to accept the mostly-numbness a little bit more and you forgot what it felt like to feel almost anything.
I left my job interview yesterday feeling good. Good that resonated deeply in my core. I drove fast on the freeway and blasted music and nearly cried for how nice it was to not be numb.
And I didn’t have to hurt myself to feel human. A positive thing. Made me feel human. Unprecedented.