I think I either need to completely unfollow a lot of blogs or avoid tumblr for a while. My mental health is really suffering lately when I read soooo many things about pro veganism (totally for it, as I am vegan, but when it’s filling your dash with animal abuse/ neglect/ torture it fucks with your head) and so many posts about racism, war, police wankers abusing their rights, child abuse, murder, all news related things that are just VILE. I cannot read all this anymore, it’s making me feel like what is the fucking point?!? There is so much shit in this world, EURGH I feel shitty when I see all this awful stuff.
This is why I left tumblr for a long time. And why there are a lot of users I love but I won’t follow. It can really make you unhappy.
Me:and I'm sorry about today. I still haven't finished my house stuff cause I feel like poop and I'm a little depressed. I keep bailing on plans with people. It is really I who is full of fail
Joe:its ok i havent finished either.. i keep getting distracted
Me:me too mostly. mostly I like lying down
Joe:i like doing ANYTHING else besides clean haha. i literally just sat down and did nothing for like 30 minutes
Me:I chain smoked for like 3 hours straight today to avoid cleaning. I like cancer better than cleaning. It's not even cleaning it's just putting all my stuff away but that's complicated because I have no idea where to put it and I have to move my mom's office to the living room so I can live in there but in the meantime I'm living in my brother's room so everything's a mess and I hate it.
I need to go to hogwarts and learn magic
Joe:we are in the same predicament. I just have crap everywhere and I don't know where to put it. or where to start to put it
Me:It's time to ask Dumbledore for help. we are muggles and we can't do this alone. cleaning to me is basically as evil as voldemort
Joe:we might be magical and just don't know it
Me:My dick is magical. there are also diamonds on it
Me:it's nbd really
Joe:ARE YOU KIDDING? I WILL SUCK THOSE ROCKS RIGHT OFF IT...wait how big are they
Me:not THAT big. and if you wanted anything to do with my dick you had your chance already hahahahaha
Me:ya'll gold diggas only want my dick when there's diamonds to suck off it
I hate finding out I’m worth nothing to people and the reasons they have for being my friends are ulterior and hollow. I hate that people pretend to listen and give a fuck when in reality they all are after the same shit.
I hate feeling like I’m only worth what my body can give.
What I hate the most, though, is only being able to give my body. I can’t give anyone much more than that.
When I was younger I used to wish something fucked up would happen to my face. To make me repulsive. (Not that I really meant that or to downplay the very real experiences of people with facial disfigurements, something I know actually nothing about)
I thought that if I could be ugly to look at, I’d find out who my real friends were and people would zip up their dicks for a minute and be real with me. Treat me like a person. That my friendships wouldn’t always come with some sort of expectation attached. That people would give a fuck about who I was and get to know me. That I’d be able get to know them. That it wouldn’t be this constant balancing-act game, a way to get me to trust them enough.
So fucking stupid.
I have been single for two fucking minutes practically and I am reminded with little dignity of the feeling of being a piece of meat. Prey. The beasts are hungry and apparently I look fucking delicious.