I’ve been pretty depressed lately, to be straightforward. I’ve felt static, insecure…just generally down on myself over a lot of things. And it kind of hit me today that I’m not getting any younger and I can keep writhing in this pit of self-loathing and do nothing, or I can live well. I’ve never felt like I deserved to live well. It’s never quite clicked with me. I thought about it and a lot of people have been really cool to me. It’s kind of a shit way to repay them for their kindness…to keep beating myself up and blinding myself to the good qualities I have that they can see and invest in. Life is full of ups and downs and I guess I just have to take advantage of the upswings. Everything is a choice. I am a dynamic being, and I am tired of being afraid of my own potential to do what makes me happy. I’m so tired of wasting away, watching opportunities to be happy pass me by. I won’t say, “no more” but I will say I am going to do better by me.
Pretty much all I can think about lately is fucking, if you haven’t noticed.
I don’t understand myself sometimes.
Because all I want to do lately is fuck. All I crave is emptiness. I don’t want to be loved, really. I don’t want intimacy. Closeness. The concept is completely frightening to me, honestly. Too dangerous. Uncomfortable as hell.
I just want violent, carnal, tearing each other apart sex. I want to hurt the next day. I want bruises.
I always find new ways to hurt myself. Always, always.